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Focusing on God even though I've been focusing on the negative, and what came of it. I was having such a rough day today until I stopped and thought, "have you ever considered just how big God is?" And I realized "No, not in a while." so I stopped and I thought about it. I realized God's bigger than my depression, my anxiety, and bigger than what I had been worrying about all day. He'b igger than anything I could ever deal with. I hadn't been trusting Him when I chose to worry. Worry is just letting yourself believe God isn't able to do something, or can't help you. He's God! He can do anything, and everything He does or decides not to do, is part of His purpose, and His plan, and it'll all be okay no matter what, because He knows what He's doing. But seriously, for just a moment, stop. Have you ever truly considered how big God is? There's a gif of God's hand underneath the earth, holding it up. I couldn't find the exact gif, but I found a similar picture: (left) (note: I do not own this picture) But it just shows how God is holding us up, and when you compare how big we are compared to God. (and trust me, he's much bigger than this picture even. The gif I was looking for has the earth the size of a baseball in his hand, and that's still nothing.) Whenever you worry about something, stop and consider just how big God is. People normally say, "tell your problem how Big your God is!" And I don't like that cause then you're still addressing the problem, as if you need to continue thinking about it after giving it to God. Just leave the issue in God's beyond big hands, and He will take care of it. Always. Then your mind will be clear, and you'll be able to focus more and more on God, on whatever task He has given you, and living your life is the exact way He wants you to, for Him. And everything else will fall into place, if you just focus on God. He loves you, and you are HIS! You are LOVED, Melody
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One week ago, Thursday, October 20, 2016, I lost my friend Jake Kalicki. Jake was one of those people in my life where I thought, “Oh, they’ll always be there. It’s them, why wouldn’t they be here?” He was a constant, and I didn’t realize what a huge hold on my heart he had until he died. Even now, I cannot fully come to grips with the reality that he’s just not here. I won’t be able to hug him ever, I won’t get to hear any stupid jokes, we won’t get to talk about that episode of Family Guy he asked me to watch, and I won’t be able to tell him I thought it was kind of sweet like he said it would be. I won’t get to rant about how we both didn’t like our Algebra teacher, and I won’t get to hear about how the year went after I left that January. Some part of me knew Jake was suffering in some way, but he was always the kind of person to look out for others, how are they doing, and you’d try to ask him about his life and he’d just redirect the conversation. I have known Jake since elementary school, and I am so glad I got to spend that time with him, and those few months with him in that highschool classroom, talking everyday about everything. Jake was fantastic, and after I left that highschool, I had no idea what became of him. I learned later on that he had partied a lot, and drank, too. And that surprised me. Finding out he died was shocking enough, finding out he had that kind of lifestyle was almost even more shocking. Jake had been quiet with me. Funny, outgoing, but still quiet. I never thought of him as loud, and I was so surprised to see how outgoing he truly was based on all the funny facebook pictures. Jake reminded me of my older brother, and he held, I suppose holds, a very special place in my heart. Knowing he’s gone is like losing a part of myself I didn’t realize solely existed because of him. And I don’t know what to do now. I can’t accept that he’s gone, even though the funeral last night was real, and even more proof he’s just not coming back. I can’t accept that, but I have to. I could go on and on about Jake, how incredible he was, and how loved he made me feel, and how greatly I love him back, but I want to move on to the “joy” part of this blog entry. The joy actually began the day of Jake’s death, and this is what I posted to FaceBook:
“Just want to note that I have been crying for hours over my friend passing way, and I ran to God and He met me, and filled me with His peace and love and I feel amazing. Only God, in the midst of my suffering, can make me feel brand new. His love for me, for all of us, is amazing, and He is worthy of all of my praise, of my entire life.” I also want to note that I was dancing that day. God just met me right where I was at, and I asked for joy, and He gave it to me. He is near to the broken hearted, like He promises in Psalm 34:18, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” and He truly is! He never leaves us, and He is always right here for us. We can reach out to Him anytime, and He will take our hand. We’re not meant to carry all of the heaviness of life, and He knows that He created us, and He offers to take that off our shoulders. That way we may experience true freedom; He does that so that we may be free. I know God is right here with me, and He gave me even more joy. Like I said earlier, yesterday was Jake’s funeral, his “Celebration of Life”, and maybe even to my own surprise, I went home giddy. I got to worship God, I got to see a very special person to me while I was there, and I got to learn and see more of Jake, too. Trust me when I say I cried, and cried, and cried. How on earth do they expect people to handle a slideshow of over 100 pictures of Jake? His face, just over and over, and I cried just looking at his face each time, knowing, he’s not coming back... But God!! I know in my heart, my soul, too, that everything is fine. I have joy welling up inside me and nothing can crush it. Nothing can stop it, because it is godly Joy! I laughed so much yesterday, telling stupid jokes with my friend, I was comforted and was able to comfort. There were a lot of exposed hearts, tears, hugs, and shaky hands, but I haven’t had so much fun in a long time. I haven’t been so happy in such a long time, even right now I am just joy filled. I know Jake’s alright, I’ll see him again, and I know good will come of this. Good, good things. Because God is good all the time, and all the time God is good! (the last sentence is from “God’s not dead”) There are many things in our life that beg for our attention. There are also things in our life we focus heavily on, because we’d rather think about that than anything else. Some people are stuck in the past, some are stuck in the future, but neither really know how to live in the present. I have the issue of being stuck in the future. I always think about having a boyfriend, or being married, or living in a nice house, or a luxury city apartment, or just whatever awesome thing I feel like is ahead of me. When I think of where I am right now, I just see a lonely girl, stuck in her house all day; a hectic house filled with animals and a hoarder’s collection of objects from 1990. I feel cramped, stuck, and like I’m going no where, so I like to think of the future. But, the other day, Saturday, (I am writing this Wednesday) I just had this feeling of, “hey, you’re still a teen, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, and God did give you a task at hand, your blog. Not only that, but you really don’t need to be rushing into any relationships, and should just focus on friendship.” and I realized that that thought was correct. I knew someone had prayed that over me, so that I could understand not to rush things. I felt that in my Spirit, “you have been, and are being, prayed over”. I just need to sit back, live in the moment, and focus on the task God has given me; this blog is the only thing I need to focus on. Boyfriends can wait, thinking about my career can wait, house shopping can wait. Right now, it’s me, my blog, and God will figure out the rest. I just have to trust Him, focus on Him, and let go of everything else.
Depression is normally diagnosed by feeling “down” all the time, locking yourself in a dark for hours, having a negative mindset, having suicidal thoughts regularly, trying to or thinking about hurting yourself, etc.. There are also bits of depression no one told me about until recently. No one said I’d be tired all the time, that isolation was my worst enemy, and that depression causes you to feel like you’re existing outside of time. You feel like you are just existing, watching life. I always drew this in the form of me floating in the middle of nothingness, because that is how I felt. People will tell you, “Oh, just sleep more! Eat better! Drink water!” because they don’t understand, or don’t know what to do. They usually really do want to help you, the way you feel is just something they don’t grasp. When you’re depressed, the last thing you want to do is see people, talk, entertain, etc.. You just want to lock yourself up in a dark room, and sleep forever. You don’t want to get up. You’re not sure if you actually feel like dying or if you really do just want to sleep for a long, long time. Depression can also just come out of nowhere. I just came from Bible Study, and even while being there I kept saying to myself, “I want to die I want to die I want to die” and on the way home I just cried, and blared music, because I don’t want to face how deep these emotions go. I don’t want silence to take over so that those kinds of thoughts can fill my head again. I feel incredibly alone in my depression, and what makes it worse is when you’re depressed it normally comes with thoughts like, “I should just shut up. No one really cares. If I talk about this, it’ll just bring them all down, and they’ll think I’m a downer, then they won’t like me, then they won’t want to be near me, then they won’t let me come back, then I’ll end up dying all alone, terrified and sad.” So you also don’t want to open up to anyone. You want them to think you’re okay, because if you’re not you’re just a burden. Another thing they have to worry about. A kid they have to watch. So, where is God in all of this? He is my comforter. I know I can run to Him whenever, and He is right there for me. Yes, I have friends who have offered to let me call them at 3AM if I feel like I might hurt myself, and I am 110% so grateful for them, but friends aren’t omnipotent like God is. I know I can call on Him at 3AM and He’ll be right there to hug me, listen to me, and fill me with His love, as soon as I can manage to give up how I’m feeling to Him. Not give up like, “Oh, well I give this up and I won’t feel this way ever again cause I choose not to,” but give up like, “These feeling, this pain, is crushing me. I need to give it to God before I suffocate.” Which in reality, I already am suffocating on a regular basis, and I’m just getting into the habit of giving my pain and hurt and life feelings over to God. Depression is treatable, and I highly recommend therapy, as I have found it extraordinarily helpful, even more so when God is involved. If He wanted to, God could heal anyone at any moment of anything, but that’s up to Him. The thing is, you can’t be healed if you’re harboring unforgiveness in your heart. Harboring pain, hurt, unforgiveness, etc. just weighs you down. It creates a dark space in your body. It tightens your chest and keeps you from breathing right, and then convinces you that you shouldn’t be breathing anyway. When you let those things go to God, that space is now empty, and you can invite His presence in, and He will meet you there. God meets us exactly where we are at, and however you are feeling, reach out to Him, and by faith, know that He is right there, ready to love and comfort you. When you let God in, you can breathe and sing clearly. He wants to help us, but storms and trials are very necessary in life. So don’t think just cause you’re in a storm that something is wrong, just learn to lean in on God the entire time, because He will get you through it, and you’ll be stronger in the end. Depression is a very tough battle, and I still can’t tell if I’m winning or losing, but with God on my side, I can go ahead and say even though the battle isn’t over, I’ve already won.
Trust is when someone says, “I’ll catch you,” “I won’t tell anyone, promise.” “It’s you and me, there’s no one else. It’s just us.”, etc. and you believe them. It’s when you tell your friend who you have a crush on and they stay silent. It’s when you ask someone to do something for you and you know it’ll get done. Trusting God is both the easiest and most difficult thing in the world to do. It’s easy, because He’s God and can’t fail, and He knows what’s best. He created everything and exists in the past, present, and future all at the same time. You can trust Him. So why don’t we? Because we want to be right, or because someone or lots of people have broken our trust before, or because we want to be self sufficient like God is. We want to be able to depend on ourselves. If we depend on us, we can’t fail. God knows us better than we’ll ever know ourselves. He knows exactly how many hairs are on our head, He knows our hopes, dreams, aspirations, He knows us inside and out. He created each of uniquely, and He knows us better than anyone else. Let’s say you have a favorite video game, and you introduce your friend to it. Let’s say there’s a level that requires very specific instruction in order to pass. So of course, out of love for your friend, you want to give them the directions. But they don’t want them. “I’ve played video games before, it can’t be that hard.” They fail the level, over and over, and over, and it hurts your heart almost. “Why can’t they just trust me?” you think to yourself, “I’ve beaten this game a thousand times, and I know exactly how to pass this level.” But they won’t listen. They want to do it their way. They don’t care if they fail a million times, they want to pass it on their own, without any help. God looks at us in the same way. “I know how to get through this, I know what you need.” He tells us, but we won’t let Him help us, we want to do it ourselves. We don’t trust Him enough to let Him into our lives with that serious of a role. So how do you trust God? He actually answers us quite perfectly, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.” (Malachi 3:10) This is related to tithing specifically, but what I’m saying is that if you trust God, He proves Himself trustworthy. A few months ago, when God opened my eyes to the man He had for me, I didn’t trust Him right away. And the thing was, I had always bragged saying, “Oh, I trust God completely!” and even if God would ask, “Do you trust Me?” I would say “Yeah, of course! Why wouldn’t I? You’re God!”. Yet when He showed me this guy, I immediately was like, “wait, what? No, I mean yes, but no God, he’s not... is he...? No.. Obviously this is some sort of test, God. So I’ll wait this out, do what you want, but let me know when this is over.” and of course God wasn’t happy with that. I was upset one day, I don’t even remember over what, but I went straight to God like I had been trying to do lately. I again said, “I trust you,” but before I could even finish my sentence God convicted me and said, “You’re not really trusting me at all.” and He was right. He showed me, and spoke to me clearly, about the guy He showed me being the exact one He promised me. And I had to humble myself, say sorry, let go, and trust Him. And He has proven Himself nothing but faithful. Over the months, He has shown me that the man he showed me is exactly the one He had been revealing to me in visions. He matches up perfectly, we line up perfectly spiritually, and he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and God knows that in a future husband, he is also everything I will need. And vice versa. But this doesn’t “just happen” I have had to, and will continue to, trust God through the process, as well. God proves Himself faithful over time, through many trials and tests in this life, making our faith and trust in Him stronger each time we go through them. God is faithful and trustworthy no matter what. If you’re unsure on whether or not to trust Him, call out to Him! Ask Him, “God, show me how I can trust you!” and remember what Jesus said, “Jesus replied, ‘You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.’” (John 13:7) There may be times when you have no idea what God is doing, and you feel confused, maybe scared even, but know that He loves you on a ridiculously high level, and He only wants what’s best for you, and what will benefit you the most. God is right here with you, and He loves you so very much, so don’t be afraid to test Him to see if He’s trustworthy. I promise you that He is, but of course, I also want you to see that for yourself. You are LOVED!!! Melody (This is for the weekend September 30- October 2)
Like I said before in my last blog entry, I had the amazing opportunity to attend a Vida Nueva Weekend this past weekend. I meant for yesterday’s entry to be about the experience, but I got off track and wrote about the lesson learned instead! Vida Nueva was a life changing, and very interesting experience. It was nothing like a retreat I had ever been on. It was purely focused on our relationship with God. There were 3 days, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Friday was “die day” where we metaphorically died to selves, and nailed all of our sin, unforgiveness, and whatever else to the cross. (For whatever reason I didn’t want to nail them to the cross, so I crumpled up mine and threw it in the trash; they were written and concentrated into paper hearts) The second day was “rise day” where it focused on us rising with Christ, and our identity in Him. It is a great joy for me to say that I am a daughter of the King of Kings, I am loved beyond all human reasoning and understanding, and am constantly pursued after by God, who is, “enthralled with my beauty,”. He loves all us so much, so intensely, so crazily, just amazing love for sure! The thing is, I heard people say this to me a million times. Mothers, friends, family would say “I love you” but I barely believed them. So when people would say to me, “God loves you!” I tried my best for their sake to trust it, but I never really felt it, understood it, or experienced it until this weekend. The thing is, nothing happens coincidentally, or by accident. It wasn’t an accident that I got sponsored to go to this weekend. It wasn’t an accident that a weeks leading up to the weekend I was meditating on Matthew 6:33, and it wasn’t an accident that when I got to Vida Nueva, I learned that our God-given theme for the weekend was Matthew 6:33! This blog is a reflection and my testimony of that. I knew God wanted to write for Him so I started my blog Thursday, and He confirmed that me doing my blog is His purpose for my life on Saturday. Over the weekend, I took advantage of being in God’s presence and asked Him multiple questions. He spoke to me also on I think die day, when I was having some difficulty letting go. He said to me clearly, “You are not meant to hold these things. Give them to Me.” I feel like my soul recognized His voice and surrendered, and that was extremely beneficial, because then I was able to let go of everything and let Him in. Even though God had showed me and proven to me in a million different way that the one He opened my eyes to is exactly who He wants me to be with, I asked while deep in His presence yet again if that he was the One for me, and of course to no one’s surprise God said yes. Also on this day, we were in a wonderful, beautiful way reminded who we are in God’s eyes. We are His daughters, and He loves us so powerfully, and He would do anything and everything for us. He even gave up his greatest possession, His son, for us! He loves us so much. I always heard the Crucifixion story and thought, “well, then this is all my fault. God must hate me, because of my sin His son had to die.” when that’s not correct at all! God did that out of love for us, not to make us feel guilty. (guilt doesn’t come from God anyway, conviction does, and those are two very different things.) So once I got past that, and once I was empty, I was truly able to understand the why and I got to experience God’s love. Onto the last day, Sunday. Sunday was “go day”, meaning now you know that Jesus died for you out of pure love, and now you know you are a daughter of the King of Kings, and you are now filled with the love, joy, and peace of God, what are you going to do about it? Share it, of course! This has always been a challenge to me, but after VN I was able to understand why it so natural for some people. When you’re filled with the love of God, filled with the Holy Spirit, you are just overflowing. You have so much love in you that it comes out in all the words you speak, in all of the animals you pet, in the hugs you give your mom and brother, it just won’t stop. You have to share it, and best of all, you want to! It just comes naturally. I felt amazing Saturday, Sunday, a little less but then right back to it Monday, less on Tuesday, and even less today (Wednesday). The thing is, like my youth leader told me, “life just kind of hits you.” you are back in reality and away from the shelter of VN. At VN, there were no clocks, no cell phones, no distractions. The outside world did not exist. So it was easy in that way to focus in on God entirely, and be filled with His presence. Now coming back home it’s, “Oh I have a dog, oh I have to do the dishes, oh my Grandma called, I need to write my friend back, I never finished that piece of art, the couch is a mess, I have a test coming up soon,” etc.. But even with all that, I know I’m changed. I know I’m different. Anxiety may be bothering me, but what I learned at VN does not change. No matter what, God loves me, no matter what I am a child of the King, and no matter what I have the choice to fight satan or let him win. I have to run after God with everything I have. I have to stick to encouraging people, read my letter, stay in my Bible, spend time with Him daily. It’s a daily challenge and I do not expect perfection, however, “His mercies are new every morning,” and I expect progress. I expect to keep getting better. VN took 5 years of therapy off of my shoulders, it was that incredible, but readjusting to real life, and getting to know God in a deeper, more meaningful way (cause I know, feel, and believe in the Love that is there this time) is a whole new process of its own. Living this way is going to completely different, because I am completely different. I feel so ready now, to just be alive really, because living experiencing how much God loves me compared to just “knowing” like I did is like the opposite sides of the universe. Incredibly different. But it’s not like they let us go home empty handed! We left VN with pages of notes, lots of encouraging letters, and an overwhelming group of people who want to love and support us, and have promised to pray for us. VN was a once in a lifetime experience, and if someone offers to sponsor you, I highly suggest going. It is not a light weekend, let me warn you, but know the person who wants to sponsor you is doing so out of love, and they more than likely have had God put you on their hearts to sponsor in the first place. So overall, I enjoyed my VN weekend. It changed my life permanently for the better and made all the difference in the world. God will never, ever leave our side, and He is always loving us, always for us, always near us. He is right here for you, anytime, anyday, anywhere. Forever and ever, no matter what you have done or where you are in life, know you are His, and you are LOVED!!! Melody This past weekend I had the blessed and wonderful chance to attend a Vida Nueva weekend. I was sponsored by a wonderful woman of God, who is the mother of a dear friend I lost a few years ago. Vida Nueva means, “New Life” in Spanish, and that is exactly what I found this weekend. I experienced God in a way I had never experienced before. I now feel loved by God for the first time in a long time. What I have learned at Vida Nueva is crucial: how to let go of past hurt and let God in. There is a space inside all of us only God can truly fill. However, there are countless things that we can try to fill this space with. Materialism, worshiping your boyfriend/girlfriend, husband or wife, or even a friend. You could try to fill it with drugs, alcohol, and a number of other things. You could even try to fill it with “spiritual” quotes, but not even those will fill that space. That space is meant for God alone. When you have that feeling of, “there’s something more to this life,” or something similar, you’re missing Jesus Christ filling in that space. For me, that space was filled with unforgiveness and past hurt. I have been riddled with anxiety, depression, and darkness overall for the past several years. I remember only a few years ago I felt God’s peace consistently. Then somehow, fear crept in. I became anxious on a regular basis and afraid of everything. I started over reacting and worrying about absolutely everything. I’ve even had to go to therapy multiple times. (I’m still in it, but I don’t think it will be as necessary as before) But, through all the love and encouragement and support I received at Vida Nueva, I was able to overcome this. Anxiety is still trying to have it’s way with me, but I just have to remember to give that over to God by trusting that He is bigger than any of my problems. I also remember Whose I am. I am a Princess, a daughter of the King of Kings, and I have every right as His daughter to go before His throne, and talk with Him. Not only that, but God wants to talk with us. He loves us so deeply it’s ridiculous. Our human understanding of how big His love is might be a grain of sand, and in reality His love is infinitely bigger than the ocean! When you empty yourself of those things that are filling that God hole, God can fill you with His presence instead. For me, I found it very helpful to put all those feelings into paper (by writing and/or just by concentrating everything into it) and then throwing it away, or (safely, of course) burning it till it is less than ashes. When you give these things over to God, they are gone, just like He promised, “as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12) Gone! No longer in existence. Which then means that we shouldn’t even think of them anymore. They’re over, gone, they have disappeared forever. Trusting that God is so much bigger, trusting that God will take care of your problems, and then letting go, is all you need to do. Then, He can fill you with His presence, which is purely love, joy, and peace. As a side note, it is extremely important to spend time in prayer with God everyday. Prayer is best when it is a two-way conversation, as in between you and God. Also, be in the Word (the Bible) every single day, and cling to scripture. Praying before and after you read, and praying scripture back to God is extraordinarily helpful. Remember, God is our strength, refuge, and our shield. Always keep in mind, and choose to trust and believe Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength) and never, EVER give up: “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.” (2 Timothy 1:7) and, “for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes.” (Proverbs 24:16)
You are LOVED!!! Melody |
Melody C.God has given me the natural talent as a writer. I felt Him encourage me in the direction of using my natural skill in writing for Him, instead of investing in skills that were basically going to waste. I have been writing my whole life. I love to answer questions, give advice, and share experiences. I hope you enjoy it, and I pray that God speaks through me and to you. If there are ever any typos, please ignore them. They will be fixed as soon as I notice them. Archives
February 2019
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