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Depression is normally diagnosed by feeling “down” all the time, locking yourself in a dark for hours, having a negative mindset, having suicidal thoughts regularly, trying to or thinking about hurting yourself, etc.. There are also bits of depression no one told me about until recently. No one said I’d be tired all the time, that isolation was my worst enemy, and that depression causes you to feel like you’re existing outside of time. You feel like you are just existing, watching life. I always drew this in the form of me floating in the middle of nothingness, because that is how I felt. People will tell you, “Oh, just sleep more! Eat better! Drink water!” because they don’t understand, or don’t know what to do. They usually really do want to help you, the way you feel is just something they don’t grasp. When you’re depressed, the last thing you want to do is see people, talk, entertain, etc.. You just want to lock yourself up in a dark room, and sleep forever. You don’t want to get up. You’re not sure if you actually feel like dying or if you really do just want to sleep for a long, long time. Depression can also just come out of nowhere. I just came from Bible Study, and even while being there I kept saying to myself, “I want to die I want to die I want to die” and on the way home I just cried, and blared music, because I don’t want to face how deep these emotions go. I don’t want silence to take over so that those kinds of thoughts can fill my head again. I feel incredibly alone in my depression, and what makes it worse is when you’re depressed it normally comes with thoughts like, “I should just shut up. No one really cares. If I talk about this, it’ll just bring them all down, and they’ll think I’m a downer, then they won’t like me, then they won’t want to be near me, then they won’t let me come back, then I’ll end up dying all alone, terrified and sad.” So you also don’t want to open up to anyone. You want them to think you’re okay, because if you’re not you’re just a burden. Another thing they have to worry about. A kid they have to watch. So, where is God in all of this? He is my comforter. I know I can run to Him whenever, and He is right there for me. Yes, I have friends who have offered to let me call them at 3AM if I feel like I might hurt myself, and I am 110% so grateful for them, but friends aren’t omnipotent like God is. I know I can call on Him at 3AM and He’ll be right there to hug me, listen to me, and fill me with His love, as soon as I can manage to give up how I’m feeling to Him. Not give up like, “Oh, well I give this up and I won’t feel this way ever again cause I choose not to,” but give up like, “These feeling, this pain, is crushing me. I need to give it to God before I suffocate.” Which in reality, I already am suffocating on a regular basis, and I’m just getting into the habit of giving my pain and hurt and life feelings over to God. Depression is treatable, and I highly recommend therapy, as I have found it extraordinarily helpful, even more so when God is involved. If He wanted to, God could heal anyone at any moment of anything, but that’s up to Him. The thing is, you can’t be healed if you’re harboring unforgiveness in your heart. Harboring pain, hurt, unforgiveness, etc. just weighs you down. It creates a dark space in your body. It tightens your chest and keeps you from breathing right, and then convinces you that you shouldn’t be breathing anyway. When you let those things go to God, that space is now empty, and you can invite His presence in, and He will meet you there. God meets us exactly where we are at, and however you are feeling, reach out to Him, and by faith, know that He is right there, ready to love and comfort you. When you let God in, you can breathe and sing clearly. He wants to help us, but storms and trials are very necessary in life. So don’t think just cause you’re in a storm that something is wrong, just learn to lean in on God the entire time, because He will get you through it, and you’ll be stronger in the end. Depression is a very tough battle, and I still can’t tell if I’m winning or losing, but with God on my side, I can go ahead and say even though the battle isn’t over, I’ve already won.
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Melody C.God has given me the natural talent as a writer. I felt Him encourage me in the direction of using my natural skill in writing for Him, instead of investing in skills that were basically going to waste. I have been writing my whole life. I love to answer questions, give advice, and share experiences. I hope you enjoy it, and I pray that God speaks through me and to you. If there are ever any typos, please ignore them. They will be fixed as soon as I notice them. Archives
February 2019
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