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I was wrong about him, the one I thought I would one day marry. He’s not the one God has for me. He’s not lovely. He’s not the man of my dreams. He’s not any of those things, he’s just some guy that unfortunately got caught up in my own fantasy. I meant well, and I was trying really hard to listen. I was in my Bible, pursuing God, spending time with Him daily, and I was still so, so , so wrong. I didn’t really know anything. The voice I heard was not God’s. God’s voice is gentle and loving, and this one wasn’t, but I listened to it because I was so scared. And what do I do after all this? Telling everyone for years, “I know exactly who I’m going to marry, God told me so Himself!” How am I going to cover for something so embarrassing? I was wrong, I was so wrong and naive and stupid. And this poor guy had to deal with it as well. I told him I liked him two years ago, it’s been almost a year since I realized it was never going to happen. God spoke to me in so many ways telling me ,”No, he’s not the one for you.” and I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to, I was already so invested, I had convinced myself and so many others that it was him. I didn’t know how to go about living if it wasn’t. And that hurt. It hurts a lot. But what it affected most was my relationship with God. I only trusted God really because I based everything on this guy, and God keeping His “promise” to me. So when all this fell through, I had no one to run to. I looked to God and yelled, “You lied to me!” when all He did was try to tell me the truth. I had to rebuild everything, my trust in God, my faith in hearing Him, everything. What was I wrong or right about anymore? Had God really said that? Why did, or didn’t I, trust Him in the first place? When I was screaming on the floor wondering why this guy didn’t want me, why didn’t I see God’s answer of silence was also an answer of “No, this isn’t him.” Why on Earth didn’t I listen? Am I so stubborn that I know better than God? Apparently so. But I don’t. I don’t know anything. In the grand scheme of things I’m so small. I have no idea what tomorrow, today, and any other day will bring. I know what happened yesterday, but could I have predicted that last week? No, but God knows. He knows what 20 seconds ago looked like, and what 20 years from now looks like. He’s already there. And yet and yet and yet.. I challenge Him, tell Him that I know better, and don’t listen to Him as He pleads with me, trying to save my heart from breaking, but it’s too late. I’ve already decided the way I should go, and it’s not His. And so here we are. Almost a year later, rebuilding my relationship and trust with God seemingly from the ground up. Trying to get past the place I was before. Trying to work past all this. Trying so hard to guard my heart. Everytime I find myself interested in a guy now, I go to God. I say, “My King, how does he measure up against my list, against Yours? What do you think?” but half the time, even now after everything, I cover my ears. I don’t want to hear that, “No,” all over again. Don’t want to go through this pain all over again. I just want peace, and quiet, and freedom.... God wants me to fall in and love and have a good life. Race after the plans He has for me. Rise. Have my comeback. He wants all those things for me, and I’m just sitting here cowering, scared to move. Scared to shake the boat, too scared to do anything. But God. He didn’t create me to be scared. He made me to be brave, to be loving, to change the world. He knows what I can do, and He knows that I can accomplish it with Him. He’s here. He’s always here. I don’t have to live so afraid.
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This past Easter Sunday our Church had the joy of hosting speaker Mark Gregston. He spoke about parenting and methods that work and methods that don’t. While that in particular I couldn’t exactly relate to, one main thing from his message definitely stood out to me. He told us to, “lighten up,”. At first, this might sound unrelated to parenting, but what he meant is that we cannot live life so “straight” per say. (You’ll get it if you watched the message!) We cannot be so stiff and unmoveable that we forget to actually live instead of merely surviving. As my manager told me, “let your hair down, be free,”. We need to live our lives in that way. Be free; live each day remembering God has freed you. You can walk with confidence knowing God’s with you and He will never leave you. He’s always by your side. Holding your hand as you walk out into the sun, smiling about the future yet to come. He’s there as you count the stars and marvel at their beauty, wondering just how and why He created each one. When you’re single, He’s there as you stare at that one certain person, chuckling to Himself knowing very well what kind of wonderful spouse He has instore for you. God is wonderful, and loves us so much. We can’t just live by surviving, living each day like the world is ending. Freaking out over any minor inconvenience. We can’t let our anxiety get to us. Remember who God is. King of the Universe, Lord of Lords, lover of your soul, keeper of your tears... God is great, beyond anything you can imagine, and He’s right there with you. God created you with care, fearfully and wonderfully. You are a beautiful masterpiece created for a wonderful God-given purpose. Do what God’s called you to do. Don’t sit still, be active, be loving, help other people, extend kindness and heart to each person you meet. Lately, my anxiety has gotten me wondering if I’m good enough. “Am I doing good enough? Does what I’m doing matter? Where does God want me to go?” I get so anxious, and scared, just thinking all of that. And honestly, I just need to calm down. Stop. Breathe. Look at God. Look at how wonderful He is, how kind He is, know He’ll never leave me. Know He loves me so much and has so much grace for me. I write this with the confidence God has made me a writer, but with all the anxiety of, “Is this correct? Do people like this? Does it matter? Do I matter? Can I actually do something by writing? Am I worth it? Is trying worth it?” and just so many questions come to mind. But, but, but... all I need to know is God said, “Yes, you are enough, and I love you.” and right now, for what it’s worth, I can live with that. Thank you, God. Love you, too.
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Melody C.God has given me the natural talent as a writer. I felt Him encourage me in the direction of using my natural skill in writing for Him, instead of investing in skills that were basically going to waste. I have been writing my whole life. I love to answer questions, give advice, and share experiences. I hope you enjoy it, and I pray that God speaks through me and to you. If there are ever any typos, please ignore them. They will be fixed as soon as I notice them. Archives
February 2019
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